| wry laconic |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009/05:13 pm] |
| [ | feeling |
| | devious and tired as shit | ] |
the similarities strike me as attractive
which is kind of ironic
(i like myself that much?)
still on the fence
probably will always
be on the fucking fence
fucking the fence
(ruined for all future lovers) |
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| it takes up to 30 days |
[Jan. 19th, 2009/02:20 pm] |
pulling on this love jacket
and walking on this line
running on this heart track
and sucking away time
clearly you wanted nothing more
hurrying past all lovers
under bridges and over steps
til you forgot all others
ever failing your promise
maybe one day you'll see
opaque vision shattered
long awaited and
lusted for
your mourning of what mattered |
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| equate, you are equal |
[Oct. 27th, 2008/01:52 pm] |
what is this tingling burning
that rises from my chest?
it spreads to my limbs and gut
and makes my eyes well
you pushed aside my hair
as we flew past the pleiades
plaited strands and brown locks
whirring with the motion of one thousand stars
in a fixed camera
at the pole
we make a
circle
in the lens
our light traveling
in a ring
to mark the closest spot
we came
this is the way it should have been
this is the way it will not be
the look in your eyes gives you away
and i know that you are like him, in a way
broken fractured and pieced
i will hold you two together
faces side by side
squeezed together and grimacing
to make sure that
i do not repeat
the same mistake
-------------------------------------------------
at that point where all this emotion is building up inside of me and i just have to release it but i can't find the words to express it. this is only one facet of the crap that been spinning around inside my head for the last X amount of [a certain measurement of time]. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008/10:24 pm] |
perception changes as time does
you are just as fucked up as i ever was
if not more
i've gotten past it all
(on a conscious level)
have you? |
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| i just can't do this anymore |
[Oct. 18th, 2008/05:58 pm] |
no. you are not allowed to do this. no. longer. will. this. happen.
my chest heats up and eyes begin to well. i want to wail. i want to scream until your ears bleed. i want to crawl and stall and fall.
just to meet you down there.
is it lonely? i'd imagine it must be. hiding with guitar strings and picks. they become your nooses and axe. they make the job twice as easy. all you have to do is sing and they twist upon themselves and knot up, ready for you neck. all you have to do is call and they come scattering around your feet and up your legs, clamoring to dig away at your skin.
you keep trying to pull me down into your abyss. and you just have to accept that it will not happen.
i am happy now. you must realize that i can no longer feel your sadness. i've done that for so long, and it's not who i am. |
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| shit on this |
[Sep. 30th, 2008/09:22 pm] |
wrong bad evil mistaken incorrect ill-informed
i'm hoping for too much. screw my imagination. fuck with it a pair of rusty scissors.
brooding tensions. breeding tensions. bleeding wants and crying desires, i seek what i know i cannot have, what i know does not exist.
behavior - it needs to change.
behave yourself
be have yourself
situations and times like these make me want to snort a line. cut a line. do whatever, to make it go away.
red staffs powdered white
they smiled freely in their
holders' hands
ever pressing up their points
to the threatening sky
ever holding down their butts
to the needy earth
saluting their king with a wondrous gleam
a sparkling glint of solitude
cast by an obstinate sun
the world can only guess at their power
the strength of these fiendish poles
snarling their smirks in the faces
of those they will conquer
(and they will bask in the glorious light
of the shiny blood they spill
a testament to the will of iron
that they break down
and liquefy) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008/01:55 am] |
you believed in me
when my legs opened and closed
and you found me
laying in the tub
wicked smiles
and devilish spouts
they laughed deliciously
when the water turned on
you turned away
when they opened once again
i felt a frown form
because you refused my gift |
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| huff |
[Aug. 29th, 2008/01:47 am] |
why run now?
i know
now it's because
drunken clowns come crawling
ever so close to your head
xenocide, kill all those different (kill all those insane) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008/12:43 am] |
you sit nicely in my stomach
lightly burn my throat
make my eyelids heavy
and my heart race
i can't breathe around you
you're that electrifying
[you shock me like an electric eel
(baby girl)
turn me on with your electric feel]
face contorts
into a fake, uncontrollable halfsmirk
i like what you do to me
crash into this glass surface
i'm all alone with this cup
this mug
the one with the monkey on it
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my heart
my heart lays at the bottom of this body
fooling the mind into thinking it's gone
but it's still here
just silent and subdued
murky and shaded
playing hide and go seek
with the rib cage
every time i drink you in
it drops
sinks
sits in waiting
until the suns comes out
from the behind the clouds
and it is safe to return
to the bone shelter
and quietly she laughs as it ascends
it tickles her thoughts lightly |
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| manipulation |
[Aug. 18th, 2008/01:33 am] |
| [ | feeling |
| | satisfied, & apparently biting | ] |
got what i wanted from you.
maybe i should say "needed" rather. what i want from you i'll never get.
either way though, i got it.
so thank you for pushing me away.
even if i had to make you do it.
even if i wish things didn't have to be this way. but i think they do.
I CAN'T HANDLE HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER MINE.
(at least i think). but i haven't given it a fair enough shot yet. but i'm not ready yet. and i won't be for long time, if at all.
but you couldn't fucking wait, you just had to have it your way.
well awesome. i was really pleased when i saw that you wanted this to work as much as i did. except not, because i was willing to put in the time, and you obviously weren't.
what, afraid you were gonna get forgotten?
trust me, it will take some time for the memories to fade. you fucked me up pretty good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2008/11:19 pm] |
it's a small price
a small chance to pay
you gave away your flip of the coin
and watched fate slip down the drain
true to those who keep their faith
we smile in their mouths
and contort their lips
to paint a happy picture
that they can only see inside their heads
too paralyzed with righteousness
and death
and what's promised after
you see if they knew well enough
they'd understand that their suffering is in vain
all built upon the delusions, the hallucinations
of influential figureheads
a sweet berry trip
or the smoke of an herb
crying to a god that was only
the axons in their brains
tricking them and shadowing
the worthlessness of humans
the obsoleteness of our existence
these people beg to be whipped
and tortured while alive
only bask in eternity's
golden sunlight
those rays you saw
it wasn't the heavens that opened up
it was my heart
_________________________________________
please just leave me alone
and let go of my head
i don't want to hold this contempt for you
any longer
as much as i would love to
lash out
and express myself
in the most physical way possible
it will never happen
so i must extinguish this flame of hatred
before it smolders my soul
(but even then i would try to stuff
my ashes down your throat) |
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| because this is my life |
[Aug. 13th, 2008/12:54 pm] |
and i refuse to have you fuck with it anymore. i'll do what i want. deal with it.
you don't like what you see? there's a simple solution for that.
learn some fucking self control. |
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| if you wanna play that game |
[Aug. 5th, 2008/10:15 pm] |
with each day that passes my desire to drink myself into a stupor increases ten-fold.
i want i want i want.
i want many things. and right now, they all elude me.
tired. bleeding from the snatch. sick (in the head). violent, desperate, mean.
hook me up to an iv of vodka, i'd like to sleep for a while. and while you're at it, labotomize me. emotion portion = cut. make me a drone.
I AM ITCHING TO GET OUT OF THIS SKIN.
destroy the mold.
see, taking myself out of this life wouldn't be that, it would be breaking into a new one. too bad i don't have the balls.
when the movies on the screen infiltrate the movies in my head, and when the movie that is life plays out in front of me, i want to scream. they don't match. undeniably inconsistent and incongruent. wretchedly twisted and filtered. cracked and bent they slide like two contintental plates that inflict friction friction frick-tion upon each other.
die happy. that's what i'd like. |
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| oh, the irony |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008/07:48 pm] |
drown your sorrows
i finally know what he was talking about
bad, because i'm turning on now
and becoming more like him
and i hated him for it
____________________________
these dying days pass by so slowly
and i'm caught in the way side
watching life march on
while i fuse into the ground
these bones won't know the dust they welcome
because they are pure and clean and covered
flesh erodes to bear life
and secrets of blood and marrow
are burned by the sun |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2008/07:08 pm] |
you invoke in me a passion
so intense and furious
i want to hurt you
in the flesh |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2008/11:20 pm] |
crushing
work to hunt
was the irritation a side effect of the starvation?
or did they just go side by side?
maybe i can be happy
happy this time around |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2008/11:06 pm] |
seeded new
unnew
i rested on your chest
for a while
until you breathed a sigh of disgust
it threw me up
and i left
you left
we left
couldn't leave it alone
couldn't leave each other alone
kept on going back
coming
back
cumming back
coming back for more
and push and pull
and push and pull
neither one wanting to let go
it's a shame it couldn't work
but this situation now
that can't work either |
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| words sound pretty so i write them |
[Jul. 18th, 2008/03:05 am] |
and all this bullshit means absolutely nothing. come to a strange point in my life. well more like "phase" rather than "point".
the crap below, that has so significance. more like inklings (i like that word) of stories. things that will never take form or manifest (another liked word). orphaned, limbless babies.
speaking of babies, i probably should never have children.
a) pregnancy and childbirth looks horrifying
b) i hate kids
c) i don't think i'd ever be fit enough to raise another human being. and i mean mentally fit. i think i'll always go through certain stages of growth (as does everyone), but i feel that i will never be perfect enough to create a healthy, stable, happy, (and perfect) individual. i would second guess every single decision and feel guilty in some way - feel that i'm failing them in some way. and if parenting is going to fuck with my head that much, why put myself through it? plus, the world could afford to not have more babies born. and could afford to have a lot more people die. but that's a whole other story.
sometimes i wish i could be a eugenicist.
anyways, on to the meaningless, pretty words.
got another thing coming.
she left yesterday to see you off
but you had already gone
and well
you know what happens when she's alone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
your pretty, full lips
betrayed the lack of love you had
guiling me into a sticky trap of love
where i sucked on them
and soon found myself
hooked
==================================================
can't believe i ate those lies
drank that poison
that stripped my body
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
got a well of contempt for you, babe
seething deep in my heart
and boiling to the surface
one day i will snap
let's hope you're not near me
when i do
____________________________________________________
finding newly stripped tree trunks
to climb up
and branches
to dangle from
my world turns upside down
tapping on the bottom of a box
to get the last remains of you
out
i watched in fascination
as your body fell to the floor
and pleasant thud
a sweet bone melody
you percussion master you
your face fell flat
(and by that i mean your expression)
and i laughed
because i find you amusing
entertaining
and pitiable
(almost)
*i feel as though
the hinges in my head
are coming loose* |
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| these things all go against my grain |
[Jul. 7th, 2008/09:42 pm] |
at (high?) school, hanging out with nic, had my arm through his, and he i and allen were walking around. saw lisa walk by, she didn't seem to notice me, or was trying to avoid me.
started smoking cigarettes. at home, alone, smoking two at once, trying to get the hang of it.
ate meat (chicken?).
felt like i was on some sort of mission. as most of my dreams are, but this one was pleasantly unviolent. |
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