slippery slope

wry laconic

2009-01-23T01:16:45Z

the similarities strike me as attractive
which is kind of ironic
(i like myself that much?)

still on the fence
probably will always
be on the fucking fence
fucking the fence
(ruined for all future lovers)

it takes up to 30 days

2009-01-19T22:28:28Z

pulling on this love jacket
and walking on this line
running on this heart track
and sucking away time
clearly you wanted nothing more
hurrying past all lovers
under bridges and over steps
til you forgot all others
ever failing your promise

maybe one day you'll see
opaque vision shattered
long awaited and
lusted for
your mourning of what mattered

equate, you are equal

2008-10-27T21:00:25Z

what is this tingling burning
that rises from my chest?
it spreads to my limbs and gut
and makes my eyes well

you pushed aside my hair
as we flew past the pleiades
plaited strands and brown locks
whirring with the motion of one thousand stars
in a fixed camera
at the pole

we make a
circle
in the lens
our light traveling
in a ring
to mark the closest spot
we came

this is the way it should have been
this is the way it will not be
the look in your eyes gives you away
and i know that you are like him, in a way

broken fractured and pieced
i will hold you two together
faces side by side
squeezed together and grimacing
to make sure that
i do not repeat
the same mistake

-------------------------------------------------

at that point where all this emotion is building up inside of me and i just have to release it but i can't find the words to express it. this is only one facet of the crap that been spinning around inside my head for the last X amount of [a certain measurement of time].

panda_trapper @ 2008-10-23T22:24:00

2008-10-24T05:34:41Z

perception changes as time does
you are just as fucked up as i ever was
if not more

i've gotten past it all
(on a conscious level)
have you?

i just can't do this anymore

2008-10-19T01:06:28Z

no. you are not allowed to do this. no. longer. will. this. happen.

my chest heats up and eyes begin to well. i want to wail. i want to scream until your ears bleed. i want to crawl and stall and fall.

just to meet you down there.

is it lonely? i'd imagine it must be. hiding with guitar strings and picks. they become your nooses and axe. they make the job twice as easy. all you have to do is sing and they twist upon themselves and knot up, ready for you neck. all you have to do is call and they come scattering around your feet and up your legs, clamoring to dig away at your skin.

you keep trying to pull me down into your abyss. and you just have to accept that it will not happen.

i am happy now. you must realize that i can no longer feel your sadness. i've done that for so long, and it's not who i am.

shit on this

2008-10-01T04:31:13Z

wrong bad evil mistaken incorrect ill-informed

i'm hoping for too much. screw my imagination. fuck with it a pair of rusty scissors.

brooding tensions. breeding tensions. bleeding wants and crying desires, i seek what i know i cannot have, what i know does not exist.

behavior - it needs to change.

behave yourself

be have yourself

situations and times like these make me want to snort a line. cut a line. do whatever, to make it go away.

red staffs powdered white
they smiled freely in their
holders' hands
ever pressing up their points
to the threatening sky
ever holding down their butts
to the needy earth
saluting their king with a wondrous gleam
a sparkling glint of solitude
cast by an obstinate sun
the world can only guess at their power
the strength of these fiendish poles
snarling their smirks in the faces
of those they will conquer

(and they will bask in the glorious light
of the shiny blood they spill
a testament to the will of iron
that they break down
and liquefy)

this journal is now private.

2008-09-16T05:50:03Z

yes.

so if we're not mutual friends, there's no point anymore.

panda_trapper @ 2008-08-29T01:55:00

2008-08-29T08:56:39Z

you believed in me
when my legs opened and closed
and you found me
laying in the tub

wicked smiles
and devilish spouts
they laughed deliciously
when the water turned on

you turned away
when they opened once again
i felt a frown form
because you refused my gift

huff

2008-08-29T08:49:57Z

why run now?
i know
now it's because
drunken clowns come crawling
ever so close to your head
xenocide, kill all those different (kill all those insane)

panda_trapper @ 2008-08-29T00:43:00

2008-08-29T07:48:16Z

you sit nicely in my stomach
lightly burn my throat
make my eyelids heavy
and my heart race
i can't breathe around you
you're that electrifying

[you shock me like an electric eel
(baby girl)
turn me on with your electric feel]

face contorts
into a fake, uncontrollable halfsmirk
i like what you do to me

crash into this glass surface
i'm all alone with this cup
this mug
the one with the monkey on it

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my heart
my heart lays at the bottom of this body
fooling the mind into thinking it's gone
but it's still here
just silent and subdued
murky and shaded
playing hide and go seek
with the rib cage

every time i drink you in
it drops
sinks
sits in waiting
until the suns comes out
from the behind the clouds
and it is safe to return
to the bone shelter

and quietly she laughs as it ascends
it tickles her thoughts lightly

manipulation

2008-08-18T08:47:12Z

got what i wanted from you.

maybe i should say "needed" rather. what i want from you i'll never get.

either way though, i got it.

so thank you for pushing me away.

even if i had to make you do it.

even if i wish things didn't have to be this way. but i think they do.

I CAN'T HANDLE HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER MINE.
(at least i think). but i haven't given it a fair enough shot yet. but i'm not ready yet. and i won't be for long time, if at all.
but you couldn't fucking wait, you just had to have it your way.
well awesome. i was really pleased when i saw that you wanted this to work as much as i did. except not, because i was willing to put in the time, and you obviously weren't.
what, afraid you were gonna get forgotten?
trust me, it will take some time for the memories to fade. you fucked me up pretty good.

panda_trapper @ 2008-08-14T23:19:00

2008-08-15T06:19:25Z

it's a small price
a small chance to pay
you gave away your flip of the coin
and watched fate slip down the drain

true to those who keep their faith
we smile in their mouths
and contort their lips
to paint a happy picture
that they can only see inside their heads
too paralyzed with righteousness
and death
and what's promised after

you see if they knew well enough
they'd understand that their suffering is in vain
all built upon the delusions, the hallucinations
of influential figureheads
a sweet berry trip
or the smoke of an herb
crying to a god that was only
the axons in their brains
tricking them and shadowing
the worthlessness of humans
the obsoleteness of our existence

these people beg to be whipped
and tortured while alive
only bask in eternity's
golden sunlight

those rays you saw
it wasn't the heavens that opened up
it was my heart

_________________________________________

please just leave me alone
and let go of my head
i don't want to hold this contempt for you
any longer

as much as i would love to
lash out
and express myself
in the most physical way possible
it will never happen
so i must extinguish this flame of hatred
before it smolders my soul

(but even then i would try to stuff
my ashes down your throat)

because this is my life

2008-08-13T20:02:46Z

and i refuse to have you fuck with it anymore. i'll do what i want. deal with it.

you don't like what you see? there's a simple solution for that.

learn some fucking self control.

if you wanna play that game

2008-08-06T05:20:58Z

with each day that passes my desire to drink myself into a stupor increases ten-fold.

i want i want i want.

i want many things. and right now, they all elude me.

tired. bleeding from the snatch. sick (in the head). violent, desperate, mean.

hook me up to an iv of vodka, i'd like to sleep for a while. and while you're at it, labotomize me. emotion portion = cut. make me a drone.

I AM ITCHING TO GET OUT OF THIS SKIN.
destroy the mold.
see, taking myself out of this life wouldn't be that, it would be breaking into a new one. too bad i don't have the balls.

when the movies on the screen infiltrate the movies in my head, and when the movie that is life plays out in front of me, i want to scream. they don't match. undeniably inconsistent and incongruent. wretchedly twisted and filtered. cracked and bent they slide like two contintental plates that inflict friction friction frick-tion upon each other.

die happy. that's what i'd like.

oh, the irony

2008-08-04T02:47:53Z

drown your sorrows
i finally know what he was talking about
bad, because i'm turning on now
and becoming more like him
and i hated him for it

____________________________

these dying days pass by so slowly
and i'm caught in the way side
watching life march on
while i fuse into the ground

these bones won't know the dust they welcome
because they are pure and clean and covered
flesh erodes to bear life
and secrets of blood and marrow
are burned by the sun

panda_trapper @ 2008-07-29T19:08:00

2008-07-30T02:58:05Z

you invoke in me a passion
so intense and furious
i want to hurt you
in the flesh

panda_trapper @ 2008-07-21T23:20:00

2008-07-22T06:21:32Z

crushing
work to hunt

was the irritation a side effect of the starvation?
or did they just go side by side?

maybe i can be happy
happy this time around

panda_trapper @ 2008-07-21T23:06:00

2008-07-22T06:11:25Z

seeded new
unnew

i rested on your chest
for a while
until you breathed a sigh of disgust
it threw me up
and i left
you left
we left
couldn't leave it alone
couldn't leave each other alone
kept on going back
coming
back
cumming back
coming back for more
and push and pull
and push and pull
neither one wanting to let go
it's a shame it couldn't work
but this situation now
that can't work either

words sound pretty so i write them

2008-07-18T10:20:56Z

and all this bullshit means absolutely nothing. come to a strange point in my life. well more like "phase" rather than "point".

the crap below, that has so significance. more like inklings (i like that word) of stories. things that will never take form or manifest (another liked word). orphaned, limbless babies.

speaking of babies, i probably should never have children.
a) pregnancy and childbirth looks horrifying
b) i hate kids
c) i don't think i'd ever be fit enough to raise another human being. and i mean mentally fit. i think i'll always go through certain stages of growth (as does everyone), but i feel that i will never be perfect enough to create a healthy, stable, happy, (and perfect) individual. i would second guess every single decision and feel guilty in some way - feel that i'm failing them in some way. and if parenting is going to fuck with my head that much, why put myself through it? plus, the world could afford to not have more babies born. and could afford to have a lot more people die. but that's a whole other story.

sometimes i wish i could be a eugenicist.

anyways, on to the meaningless, pretty words.

got another thing coming.

she left yesterday to see you off
but you had already gone
and well
you know what happens when she's alone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

your pretty, full lips
betrayed the lack of love you had
guiling me into a sticky trap of love
where i sucked on them
and soon found myself
hooked

==================================================

can't believe i ate those lies
drank that poison
that stripped my body

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

got a well of contempt for you, babe
seething deep in my heart
and boiling to the surface
one day i will snap
let's hope you're not near me
when i do

____________________________________________________

finding newly stripped tree trunks
to climb up
and branches
to dangle from
my world turns upside down
tapping on the bottom of a box
to get the last remains of you
out

i watched in fascination
as your body fell to the floor
and pleasant thud
a sweet bone melody
you percussion master you

your face fell flat
(and by that i mean your expression)
and i laughed
because i find you amusing
entertaining
and pitiable
(almost)

*i feel as though
the hinges in my head
are coming loose*

these things all go against my grain

2008-07-08T04:45:22Z

at (high?) school, hanging out with nic, had my arm through his, and he i and allen were walking around. saw lisa walk by, she didn't seem to notice me, or was trying to avoid me.

started smoking cigarettes. at home, alone, smoking two at once, trying to get the hang of it.

ate meat (chicken?).

felt like i was on some sort of mission. as most of my dreams are, but this one was pleasantly unviolent.

sh...shh...shhhakeit

2008-07-08T02:55:06Z

tengo una culebra
en mi cabeza

perhaps this is why
i can't think straight

sh...shh...shhhhedskin

2008-07-08T02:07:13Z

k
kkk
ch
ch
char
act
er

wearing this (clown) face i act like i think you want me to
don't have a will of my own
claydoll
open and flat
on my back and hands bound
under this tree of iniquity
i laugh at you
on your knees
falling forward and through and to
and searching for the heart you lost
stumbling and crawling and trippin and calling
you instead found your mind
still insane though
of course
never knew what do to with those beautiful cells
so you smoked them
and drank them
and cut them out, pouring out through your forearm
closing in and now whispering
secrets crossed and jaded
too old for ears to hear correctly
so interpretation occurs
and mistakes are born
into the eyelids, tainting the world
pressing into the mold a version of things
that are not truly the way
you think they are

i find this situation to be laughable
despicable
deplorable
utterly unexplainable

i can't figure out why i feel the way i feel
i just know that i love it every time
i turn away

rejection is a thing of the past
(for some)
for me now
it is my home

i want to swallow life whole
and feel it struggle in my belly
it's death kicks firmly pressing
and tickling my flesh

(i love change
me encanta la muerte)

fucking over it

2008-07-08T01:55:52Z

a kind of hopeless desparity that just surges through your veins and makes you smile.

life is fun to laugh at.

i just want to throw my arms in the air and crack up until i go insane.

$2

2008-07-07T05:56:41Z

is what got with my hard-earned work...

lap dancing. and i've never gotten paid before, so that was like AWESOME.

um, i like alcohol. finally found my limit - 4. i did 5 last night (and puked for the first time, damn, i was trying to avoid that so hard), now i might be able to do that, just space them out a bit more and slow down. but even so, for a person who is allergic to alcohol, 4 shots is pretty good. and i discovered a new reaction - head hurts like a goddamn mofo, and nobody else's seems to. so, that's closed lungs, increased body temp, rash on arms, redness, and headache. and pepcid doesn't work for me, still get hella flushed. somehow, it's still fun. it lowers your inhibitions, and we all know how fun that can be. sometimes i feel like SUCH a slut, but then i remind myself that everyone goes through a whore phase a some point(s) in their lives...just having mine now.

and then i wake up feeling kinda depressed, but that always happens when i get wasted.

and malibu coconut rum is my new favorite. i really want to start trying mixed drinks/cocktails too though. still waiting to have enough money to comfortably spend on patron silver. god.

partying in a few weeks. it will be super awesome. and this weekend too, but that's not at my place. yay. SO excited. my place will be fu-unn.

Wente is good. fun. cuties. except this one weird guy who's like fifties and is just fucking weird and gives me (and other people) the creeps. heat (near the grill and from being outside, setting up a concert buffet - eww). i would much rather stay in the kitchen all day and prep food than set up the buffet, i find it annoying. but whatever, it always looks good when it's done. plus the other day, heather and i set up a wedding buffet by ourselves. it was pretty frickin' cool when it was all done. and that was one of the nicer weddings i've seen. the people were actually...nice, and not weird or rude. so go those people!

anyways, things are goodish. whatever. almost done with redoing my room, so that's exciting.

could not sleep

2008-07-04T08:54:47Z

Wanted to play with this fire
Feel its heat on my hands
Get too close
And watch the skin start to
Shrivel and crackle
Sweet, roasting opposable (thumb) flesh
Feel my bones ache and shrink
Smell that aroma of cooking cells
And wishing wells
Threw my penny in on a whim
But didn't realize it was so deep
Water too low
For my mile-a-minute digits to reach
So my sacred hands
My labored hands
Fell down after my coin
As a dusty (&) pink ash

(You smiled when I spread it across your face]
Licking those lips to taste my pain)